A twist on Taming of the Shrew. In this tale, Petruchio is stuck in arrested development; Kate is interested in fixer-uppers and is probably the only one up for the task.
Running time: approximately 8 minutes
Cast size: 2 Males, 3 Females, 1 M/F
CHARACTERS
KATHERINE (F) decides to “man-up” Petruchio
PETRUCHIO (M) boy who refuses to leave the nest and become a man
BIANCA (F) friend to Katherine, in love with Lucentio
LUCENTIO (M) brother to Petruchio, in love with Bianca
GEPPITA (F) Petruchio’s mother
NARRATOR (M/F) yeah, the usual: narrates the action
SAMPLE PAGES:
(Lights up. Enter NARRATOR.)
NARRATOR: Good evening, ladies and gentlemen. Tonight we give you our version of Shakespeare’s classic battle of the sexes in that well-known play The Taming of the Shrew. Of course, since ours is about the taming of a man, we call this The Manning of the Dude. Our scene begins in Padua; Geppita, a rich widow, is brought glorious news by her son. (GEPPITA enters and is greeted excitedly by LUCENTIO, who leads BIANCA by the hand.)
LUCENTIO: Mother, I have glorious news.
GEPPITA: What is that, son?
LUCENTIO: Bianca has consented to marry me.
GEPPITA: Ah, son, say it isn’t so! You have violated the customs of Padua.
LUCENTIO: But I asked Bianca’s father’s permission first.
GEPPITA: That’s not it.
LUCENTIO: I made sure I had a stable job before I asked her.
GEPPITA: Yes, you were always good with horses . . .
NARRATOR: But that’s not it.
LUCENTIO: (To NARRATOR.) I made it Facebook official?
NARRATOR: That’s not it. Before you can marry—
GEPPITA: Your elder brother must be married first.
(NARRATOR exits.)
LUCENTIO: You don’t mean I have to wait for (PETRUCHIO enters, unshaven, unwashed, and unkempt. He wears tights with his boxers hanging out the top.) Petruchio?
PETRUCHIO: Ah, six o’clock! What a glorious time to arise! The birds are singing sweetly. The world has a dewy newness. And what’s that I smell? Breakfast?
GEPPITA: Supper.
PETRUCHIO: Close enough.
BIANCA: You are just now getting up?
PETRUCHIO: One does not seize the winner’s wreath through half-measures. I was up all night dueling blackguards, saving damsels, and bringing wrong-doers to justice.
BIANCA: Oh, you are on the city’s night watch?
LUCENTIO: He was playing World of Warcraft.
GEPPITA: (Admonishing.) Petruchio, there is a lady present. Pull up your tights!
PETRUCHIO: I can’t help it. These tights are loose. (To audience.) Talk about your oxymorons.
GEPPITA: And your hat is on backwards.
PETRUCHIO: (Pulls off his muffin hat and examines it.) How can you tell?
GEPPITA: And put on a clean shirt!
PETRUCHIO: Mother. (Wags finger.) Whose fault is it that my dirty laundry is still on the floor? (GEPPITA sputters.) Don’t worry, mother. I forgive you. Well, I’ve got to get to work.
GEPPITA: You’ve got a job finally?
PETRUCHIO: Nothing as lowly as a job. I’ve got a career! A vocation! A passion!
LUCENTIO: Do you get paid?
PETRUCHIO: If you mean something as crass as filthy lucre, then no. I get paid in self-fulfillment and self-expression. I’m in a band. We’ve got a rehearsal. We are playing music by this new composer named Bach.
LUCENTIO: Bach? Never heard of him.
PETRUCHIO: You will. We play his music on top of a wagon. We call it “Bach and Roll.” (PETRUCHIO exits.)
LUCENTIO: Alas, my love is thwarted. What woman in her right mind would ever marry (Points.) that?
BIANCA: I have a friend . . .
GEPPITA: Yes?
BIANCA: Her name is Katherine. Petruchio might just be her type.
LUCENTIO: Katherine likes immature, selfish boys?
BIANCA: Katherine likes a fixer-upper. Let’s have a double date at the pub.
(GEPPITA & LUCENTIO exit. NARRATOR enters. BIANCA crosses to table; KATHERINE enters.)
NARRATOR: And so, Bianca convinced Katherine to go with her to listen to some Bach & Roll. Later that night, at a pub called The Pickled Snout, Katherine and Bianca awaited Petruchio and Lucentio. (Exits.)
KATHERINE: (Takes a seat.) So, when does this Bach band start anyway?
BIANCA: (With an eye toward the door.) Soon, I hope.
KATHERINE: Are you expecting someone?
BIANCA: Well, it’s interesting that you really like Bach & Roll. Lucentio is friends with one of the members of the band. He’s coming with him tonight.
KATHERINE: (Moment of recognition.) Oh, no. Is this another blind date?
Katherine & Petruchio finally meet. . .
BIANCA: And this is my friend, Katherine.
PETRUCHIO: Oh. (Appraises her.)
LUCENTIO: Katherine Minola.
PETRUCHIO: Minola? As in Lord Minola, the King’s tax collector?
KATHERINE: Yes.
PETRUCHIO: You’re wealthy beyond the dreams of avarice.
KATHERINE: What does that have to do with—
PETRUCHIO: You’ll do.
KATHERINE: (Appraises him.) I wish I could say the same.
PETRUCHIO: Kate—
KATHERINE: Katherine.
PETRUCHIO: No, I prefer to call you Kate.
KATHERINE: Because you can only handle really small words?
PETRUCHIO: (Appraises her anew.) Smart and sassy. Not usually my type.
KATHERINE: You usually go for dim and compliant?
PETRUCHIO: I don’t know. We never usually get around to conversation. Speaking of which, let’s cut to the chase. Shall we go to your place?
LUCENTIO: Petruchio!
PETRUCHIO: (Waving LUCENTIO away.) I’m busy, brother dear. Why don’t you take your future ball and chain and hold hands in the moonlight or something?
LUCENTIO: Leave you alone with this young lady? I think not!
KATHERINE: (Puts her hand on LUCENTIO’s arm.) I’m fine. Go.
LUCENTIO: But if you are in any danger—
KATHERINE: It’s your brother you should worry about.
PETRUCHIO: (Appraises her anew again.) Smart, sassy, and . . . dangerous. . . .