Romeo and Juliet

Romeo is a Republican.  Juliet is a Democrat.  You just know this isn’t going to end well.

Running time: approximately 7 minutes

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4 Males, 2 Females, 2 M/F

NARRATOR (M/F) Moves the plot along and transitions the scenes. Though he’s supposed to be neutral, we clearly see that he’s a right-wing Republican after all.

MERCUTIO (M) A right-wing Republican and NRA member.

ROMEO (M) A Republican, but willing to compromise with the right-leaning Democrat. He’s also a waffling wimp.

TYBALT (M) A left-wing Democrat and ACLU member.

JULIET (F) A Democrat, but willing to compromise with the left-leaning Republican. She’s a flip-flopping freak.

KING (M) Symbolizes the American electorate.  This is about as deep as the play gets.

LADY CAPULET (F) Democratic matriarch.  Think Pelosi.  Or Hillary Clinton.

FRYER (M/F) Short-order cook who is an expert on party affiliation.



(Lights up. Enter NARRATOR.)

NARRATOR: And now, the most excellent and lamentable Tragedy of Romeo and Juliet! (Pause.)
Two households, both alike in dignity,

Two star-crossed lovers from each kin;
From ancient grudge comes new misery
Between Democrat and Republican. (Exits.)

(MERCUTIO and ROMEO enter.) 

MERCUTIO:  Look, cousin, at the new musket I bought.

ROMEO:  Careful, cousin.  Remember the new gun laws?

MERCUTIO:  Not to worry, Cousin.  I make sure that it is never concealed.  (He starts aiming his musket. TYBALT and JULIET walk into his path.  Throughout this whole scene, ROMEO and JULIET become more and more attracted to each other.)

TYBALT:  Do you sight your gun at us, sir?

MERCUTIO:  I do sight my gun, sir.

TYBALT:  At me, sir?

MERCUTIO:  No, sir.  I sight it at that . . . spotted owl.

TYBALT:  (Outraged.)  At a spotted owl?  Knave!  You are going to get what you have coming!

MERCUTIO:  What will it be then?  Pistols?  Swords?

TYBALT:  New regulations.  I’m going to pass even more gun laws.

MERCUTIO:  Villian!  I will shoot thee!

TYBALT:  You cannot.  That would violate the new regulations.  “No killing people with guns.”

MERCUTIO:  Guns don’t kill people.  The gaping wounds do.

(They start to fight, but they are interrupted by KING.)

KING:  (Enters.) Stop!  Stop!  What is going on here?

TYBALT:  He started it.

MERCUTIO:  No, he did.

KING:  Stop your bickering.  What ever happened to civil discourse?

MERCUTIO:  The same thing that happened to civil war.  Someone got a butt whooping.

KING:  That does it.  We are going to have some love and kindness around here, or I’m going to kill somebody.

TYBALT:  You can’t do it with a gun.  We’ve got a new regulation.

KING:  Silence!  (ALL suddenly become aware of ROMEO and JULIET, who are looking at each other and sighing.  They rush together and hold hands.  KING points to them.)  Now THAT’S bipartisanship.  I want a lot more of that kind of thing around here.  (KING exits.  TYBALT and MERCUTIO start to sigh and look at each other, then they snap out of it.  They go over and pull ROMEO and JULIET apart.)

MERCUTIO:  Romeo, get away from her.  Don’t you know what she is?

ROMEO: A girl?

MERCUTIO: No.  She’s a Democrat.  They believe that gender roles are social constructs.  There are no boys or girls.


TYBALT:  And, Juliet, stay away from him.  Don’t you know what he is?

JULIET:  A homo sapien?

TYBALT:  No.  He’s a Republican.  He hasn’t evolved that far yet.


ROMEO:  (Breaks away from MERCUTIO.)  Juliet!  Please, I must meet with you again.  My family is having a party.  Please come.

JULIET:  Oh, I will.  I will.  What kind of party is it?  Is it a masquerade party?

ROMEO:  It’s a tea party.

JULIET:  Oh, how genteel and refined.  I’ll bring the crumpets.

ROMEO:  And I’ll bring the torches.  Until tonight.  (He is dragged off by MERCUTIO.)

JULIET:  Tonight!  Tonight.  Won’t be just any night.

TYBALT:  Wrong play.  Come along, Juliet.  (They exit.) . . .