Julius Caesar

Brutus and Cassius plot to kill Caesar.  Caesar never catches on, even though the Seer warned him, his wife warned him, and everyone in the Senate is armed to the teeth.  Makes you wonder how this guy conquered most of Europe.

Running time: approximately 6 minutes

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4 Males, 1 Females, 2 M/F

NARRATOR (M/F) more of a play-by-play rather than color commentator.

JULIUS CAESAR (M) sort of a girly name for such a macho guy.

BRUTUS (M) where the word “brutal” comes from, as in “brutal jokes.”

ANTONY (M) not the sharpest gladius in the sheath.

CASSIUS (M) not to be confused with Muhammad Ali.

SEER (M/F) sees the future.  Kinda.  After it’s happened.

CALPURNIA (F) Caesar’s wife who has bad dreams about Caesar.  We think it’s something she ate.



(Lights up. Enter NARRATOR.)

NARRATOR:   The play we are about to perform is The Tragedy of Julius Caesar. When you see our performance, you’ll understand why it’s a “tragedy.” Now, Caesar approaches! When I point to you, yell, “Hail, Caesar!” Let’s practice. (Improvises until she gets a suitable “Hail, Caesar” from the crowd.) Very good. Now remember, every time I point to you, yell “Hail, Caesar!”

CAESAR: (Enters.) It’s good to be back. There’s no place like Rome.

NARRATOR: (Points to crowd.) Hail, Caesar!

CAESAR: (Doing the royal wave.) Thank you, good citizens. (Looks up.) The skies are cloudy. What is the weather forecast for today?

NARRATOR: (Points to crowd.) Hail, Caesar!

CAESAR: Sleet? In Rome? Where is this country going to?

NARRATOR: (Points to crowd.) Hail, Caesar! (To crowd.) Great job. You’re done now. Suddenly, a Seer approaches Caesar.

SEER: (Enters.) Beware the slides of March!

CAESAR: (Stares at SEER.) I’m a bit old for the playground.

SEER: Drat! That’s not what I meant. What was that vision again? (Wanders off.)

NARRATOR: Just then, the thoughtless and thick Anthony came forth.

ANTONY: (Enters.) That’s “Antony.” No “H.”

NARRATOR: Right. Just ten, the toughtless and tick Antony came fort.

ANTONY: Funny. (To CAESAR.) Welcome home, Caesar. How was Greece?

CAESAR: Veni, Vedi, Velcro.

ANTONY: Excuse me?

CAESAR: I came, I saw, I stuck around.


CAESAR: Well, I’d love to stay and chat, but I’ve got to go see the Missus. I’ve got to discuss the huge debt she acquired while I was gone. You know, Veni, Vedi, Visa. Why don’t you come with me?

ANTONY: Sure. (Exit.)

NARRATOR: Meanwhile, Cassius and Brutus run into each other unexpectedly. (CASSIUS and BRUTUS enter from opposite sides, run into each other, and fall down.) I told you this was a tragedy.

(CASSIUS & BRUTUS get up and brush themselves off.)

BRUTUS: Cassius!

CASSIUS: Brutus!

BRUTUS: What are you going to do now that you are back in Rome, Cassius?

CASSIUS: Well, when in Rome, (Beat.) etcetera.

BRUTUS: So, what do the Romans do?

CASSIUS: Toga party, mostly. So, what are you going to do, Brutus?

BRUTUS: I thought I’d develop some hobbies, you know: gardening, knitting . . . murdering Caesar.

CASSIUS: Murdering Caesar?

BRUTUS: It was either that or scrapbooking.

CASSIUS: Good choice. Scrapbooking is the worst.

BRUTUS: Join me?

CASSIUS: Why not? (They exit.)

(CAESAR & SEER enter from opposite sides of the stage.)

NARRATOR: Meanwhile, on the way back to his home, Caesar is confronted by the Seer.

SEER: Beware the brides of March!

CAESAR: (Stares at SEER.) Doesn’t everyone?

SEER: Fie! That’s not what I meant. What was that vision again? (Wanders off.)

CAESAR: (Calls to off-stage.) Honey, I’m home. What’s for dinner?

CALPURNIA: (Enters.) Salad, Caesar.

CAESAR: Again? What fruit are we having with dinner?

CALPURNIA: Orange, Julius.

CAESAR: (To audience.) I should learn to quit asking that question. Oh, well. (To CALPURNIA.) How have you been?

CALPURNIA: I’ve been having nightmares about you.

CAESAR: Really? Like what?

CALPURNIA: Well, in one, someone threw water on you, and you melted. In another, somebody melted your ring, and your eyeball exploded. In the last, Obi Wan cut off your arm, your legs were melted by lava, and I gave birth to twins.

CAESAR: (Thinks for a while.) Wow. No more Netflix movie marathons for you. Well, I’m off to the Senate.

CALPURNIA: Good bye, dear. (Exits.) . . .