The Jester of this court does not understand the serious nature involved with traditional Scottish dress. His jokes about kilts get him into trouble in this madrigal script when, in fact, one has been found . . . murdered! Highly-interactive with the audience, this tale tries to solve this horrendous crime! Oh, what villain knows how to wield a seam ripper so skillfully? And darning needle was also used? (What a darned bad way to die!) Using suspects from the cast as well as the audience, this medieval-based parody of Law & Order will keep you laughing until the end.
Cast size: 5 Male, 4 Female, 3-5 M/F
Audience interaction: 
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SAMPLE PAGES:
TOWN CRIER: Sire, I am afraid something terrible has happened!
KING: Well, what it is?
TOWN CRIER: I am afraid there has been . . . a murder!
ROYAL COURT: (Gasps.)
VOICE: (Must be miked, to get the proper effect. While VOICE is speaking, the COURT is looking around for the source.) In the Scottish justice system, the Scots are represented by two separate, yet equally important groups: the sheriffs, who investigate the crime, and the magistrates, who prosecute the offenders. These are their stories. Dun-dun.
QUEEN: Who, or what, was that?
TOWN CRIER: That was the narrator.
KING: Is that all he does? Say that line?
TOWN CRIER: Yes, but he gets paid every time this show plays as a re-run on cable.
QUEEN: That’s a lot of money for one line, if you ask me.
KING: Yep. (Uncomfortable silence.) What now?
TOWN CRIER: Whoops! Time for the segue. Cue the music. (Sound effect. Play some police drama-type music, preferably on bagpipes. Lights up on side stage. SHERIFF enters and kneels by the kilt, which already has the “chalk” outline around it. INSPECTOR enters.)
INSPECTOR: So, what happened here?
SHERIFF: (Holds up kilt.) Kilt, sir.
INSPECTOR: Well, it’s rather obvious it was killed.
SHERIFF: No, kilt, sir, as in a Scottish man dress.
INSPECTOR: Don’t try to skirt the issue.
SHERIFF: I meant that it appears to be an article of clothing that a Scotsman would wear.
INSPECTOR: I know that, of course. Remember, I’m from Scotland Yard.
SHERIFF: Scotland Yard? Really, sir? You haven’t gone metric yet?
INSPECTOR: The Queen wanted to see me about that, but I refused to meet ‘er. Now, who found the kilt? (Takes kilt and places it back in chalk outline.)
SHERIFF: (Walks over to audience members.) These peasants here found the kilt.
INSPECTOR: Really? And what was her reaction to stumbling upon this gruesome and heinous crime?
SHERIFF: They screamed.
INSPECTOR: Really? Like how?. (SHERIFF & INSPECTOR stare at the audience members expectantly, waiting for them to scream. This is a good opportunity for improv-ing. React to her scream in a way that is funny. If it is wimpy, make her repeat the scream until it is appropriately loud and horrified. If it is loud and horrified from the first, comment on how close she felt to the kilt, what a good relationship they had, etc.)
SHERIFF: Not only were these peasants shocked, but the entire group of onlookers gasped in shock.
INSPECTOR: Gasped in shock, you say?
SHERIFF: Gasped in shock.
INSPECTOR: Like how? (Again an opportunity for improv-ing. Don’t stop prodding the audience until they have gasped appropriately. Get them trained so that when you deliver the line, “The entire group of onlookers gasped in shock,” that the audience gasps in shock.) Well, it’s only natural, considering how horrible this crime is.
SHERIFF: If you look carefully, the kilt was killed over there (Points to SR.) and dragged to here (Points to plastic outline where the kilt is.) Do you see the trail of thread?
INSPECTOR: (Holds his handkerchief to his mouth as if he’s going to be sick.) There’s, there’s thread everywhere! Any idea as to the cause of its, uh, demise? Do you think it was suicide?
SHERIFF: Well, since the kilt doesn’t have any arms, legs, or any self-mobility whatsoever, I think we can rule out suicide.
INSPECTOR: So, if it wasn’t a suicide, then this must be . . .
SHERIFF: That’s right inspector. We are looking at a kilticide. (Prompt audience to gasp.)
INSPECTOR: It’s a good thing Scotland Yard has its own kilticide division. I am expert in these cases. Do you see that twist of worn out threads there? (Points at kilt.) Was that the cause of death?
SHERIFF: Frayed knot.
INSPECTOR: It was not the cause?
SHERIFF: No, it’s a frayed knot. As in a worn out twist of thread.
INSPECTOR: (Pause and stares.) That pun is bad enough to make any innocent witness scream (Look at lady expectantly.) or make any bystanders groan. (Look at audience expectantly.)
SHERIFF: Actually, the frayed knot was the point of entry of one of the murder weapons.
INSPECTOR: One of the weapons?
SHERIFF: Oh, yes. This wound was caused by a darning needle.
INSPECTOR: (Steps forward to address audience.) That is a darn bad way to die.
SHERIFF: And you talk about my puns?
INSPECTOR: It’s all in the delivery.
