Teeney Bob (The Demon Pet Groomer of Sweet Street)

The Jester has returned from vacation with a “merry companion” he met on the ship: Teeney Bob, a former postal worker who has managed to escape from his exile in . . . Jamaica.  While looking for work, Teeney Bob meets Mrs. Love-It, who is having a hard time attracting business at her hotdog stand (we can’t imagine why).  Teeney has a score to settle with Judge Joonie’s dog Fi-Fi, the ferocious mutt who caused all the trouble in the first place, so Mrs. Love-It gets him started as a pet groomer.  As it so happens, the king is looking for a new royal pet groomer, and Jester recruits his “merry companion” from the ship.  Teeney Bob will come as long as Mrs. Love-It can come work in the king’s kitchen (just in time for dessert).  When Jester discovers that Judge Joonie and Fi-Fi are dinner guests of the king, everything gets a bit . . . worrisome.   Can the Jester and Town Crier save Fi-Fi?  In case you’re worried, yes, they can. (No pets, real or imagined, are harmed in this madrigal script.)

Cast size: 4 Male, 3 Female, 2 M/F, Extras

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Teeney Bob has just met Mrs. Love-It:

LOVE-IT:  (TEENEY BOB looks off in the distance.)  So, my friend, what’s on your mind?

TEENEY BOB:  I used to . . . walk . . . along this street.

LOVE-IT:  I keep thinking you look familiar.  Are you from this end of the village?

TEENEY BOB:  No, no.  I’m from . . . (Face and voice get even grimmer as he looks off into the distance.)  Jamaica.

LOVE-IT:  (Long stare at TEENEY BOB’s complexion, then at his hair.)  I’ve seen better dreadlocks.

TEENEY BOB:  Don’t start.

LOVE-IT:  What’s your name, then?

TEENEY BOB:  My name is Bob.  Mr. Teeney Bob.

LOVE-IT:  (Smashes another cockroach and rubs hand on apron.) Me name is Mrs. Love-It.  Pleasure to meet you.  (LOVE-IT holds out her hand.  TEENEY BOB looks at her hand, shudders, and gives a bow.)  There is NO Mr. Love-It.  ‘E passed away unexpectedly a few days back, right after lunch.  So, you could say that I’m available.  (LOVE-IT bats her eyes at TEENEY BOB.  TEENEY BOB does not take the hint.)  Right.  So, Mr. B, what do you do for a living?

TEENEY BOB:  I am currently between jobs.

LOVE-IT:  Ah, lookin’ for work, are you?  Tough times are these.  Well, you know, there was a pet groomer who used to set up shop next to me hotdog stand on that table right there.

TEENEY BOB:  You don’t say.  I did take some pet grooming classes in Jamaica as a part of my vocational therapy . . .

LOVE-IT:  Wonderful!  You can just set up shop here.  I wouldn’t mind the company.

TEENEY BOB:  But I don’t have the grooming tools necessary.

LOVE-IT:  No problem!  The previous pet groomer passed away unexpectedly.  Right after lunch.  He left his clippers behind.  Here . . . (She reaches under the counter and pulls out two hedge clippers.  It is important that these be the hand-manual type.  If you cannot get these, use two large scissors.  She hands the clippers to TEENEY BOB, who brandishes them and poses with eyes wide open – do your best Scissorhands.  LOVE-IT stares at him quizzically.)  That complexion, that hair, those scissors – are you sure I haven’t met you before?  (TEENEY BOB stares at LOVE-IT mutely and tilts his head.)  Edward?

TEENEY BOB:  (Snaps out of it.)  I told you my name is Bob.  Teeney Bob.  (JOONIE enters leading FI-FI.  TEENEY BOB gives a gasp.)

LOVE-IT:  What is it?

TEENEY BOB:  It is . . . an old friend.

LOVE-IT:  What, you know Judge Joonie?

TEENEY BOB:  Yes, it was fifteen years ago.  Before I was sent to (Face and voice get even grimmer as he looks off into the distance.)  Jamaica.

LOVE-IT:  (Stares at TEENEY BOB’s pose.)  Do you do that every time you say, “Jamaica”?  (Moment of recognition.) Hold on, then.  Don’t I know you?

TEENEY BOB:  I don’t think so.

LOVE-IT:  You’re Bob Barker, ain’t you?  Now I recall.  Well, after what happened back then, I’d say the Judge was no friend to you at all.  Back to even the score, are you?  (By this time JOONIE and FI-FI have arrived at the empty table.  LOVE-IT notices a possible customer.)  Fancy a hotdog, guvner?