The Jester has returned from vacation with a “merry companion” he met on the ship: Teeney Bob, a former postal worker who has managed to escape from his exile in . . . Jamaica. While looking for work, Teeney Bob meets Mrs. Love-It, who is having a hard time attracting business at her hotdog stand (we can’t imagine why). Teeney has a score to settle with Judge Joonie’s dog Fi-Fi, the ferocious mutt who caused all the trouble in the first place, so Mrs. Love-It gets him started as a pet groomer. As it so happens, the king is looking for a new royal pet groomer, and Jester recruits his “merry companion” from the ship. Teeney Bob will come as long as Mrs. Love-It can come work in the king’s kitchen (just in time for dessert). When Jester discovers that Judge Joonie and Fi-Fi are dinner guests of the king, everything gets a bit . . . worrisome. Can the Jester and Town Crier save Fi-Fi? In case you’re worried, yes, they can. (No pets, real or imagined, are harmed in this madrigal script.)
Cast size: 4 Male, 3 Female, 2 M/F, Extras
Teeney Bob has just met Mrs. Love-It:
LOVE-IT: (TEENEY BOB looks off in the distance.) So, my friend, what’s on your mind?
TEENEY BOB: I used to . . . walk . . . along this street.
LOVE-IT: I keep thinking you look familiar. Are you from this end of the village?
TEENEY BOB: No, no. I’m from . . . (Face and voice get even grimmer as he looks off into the distance.) Jamaica.
LOVE-IT: (Long stare at TEENEY BOB’s complexion, then at his hair.) I’ve seen better dreadlocks.
TEENEY BOB: Don’t start.
LOVE-IT: What’s your name, then?
TEENEY BOB: My name is Bob. Mr. Teeney Bob.
LOVE-IT: (Smashes another cockroach and rubs hand on apron.) Me name is Mrs. Love-It. Pleasure to meet you. (LOVE-IT holds out her hand. TEENEY BOB looks at her hand, shudders, and gives a bow.) There is NO Mr. Love-It. ‘E passed away unexpectedly a few days back, right after lunch. So, you could say that I’m available. (LOVE-IT bats her eyes at TEENEY BOB. TEENEY BOB does not take the hint.) Right. So, Mr. B, what do you do for a living?
TEENEY BOB: I am currently between jobs.
LOVE-IT: Ah, lookin’ for work, are you? Tough times are these. Well, you know, there was a pet groomer who used to set up shop next to me hotdog stand on that table right there.
TEENEY BOB: You don’t say. I did take some pet grooming classes in Jamaica as a part of my vocational therapy . . .
LOVE-IT: Wonderful! You can just set up shop here. I wouldn’t mind the company.
TEENEY BOB: But I don’t have the grooming tools necessary.
LOVE-IT: No problem! The previous pet groomer passed away unexpectedly. Right after lunch. He left his clippers behind. Here . . . (She reaches under the counter and pulls out two hedge clippers. It is important that these be the hand-manual type. If you cannot get these, use two large scissors. She hands the clippers to TEENEY BOB, who brandishes them and poses with eyes wide open – do your best Scissorhands. LOVE-IT stares at him quizzically.) That complexion, that hair, those scissors – are you sure I haven’t met you before? (TEENEY BOB stares at LOVE-IT mutely and tilts his head.) Edward?
TEENEY BOB: (Snaps out of it.) I told you my name is Bob. Teeney Bob. (JOONIE enters leading FI-FI. TEENEY BOB gives a gasp.)
LOVE-IT: What is it?
TEENEY BOB: It is . . . an old friend.
LOVE-IT: What, you know Judge Joonie?
TEENEY BOB: Yes, it was fifteen years ago. Before I was sent to (Face and voice get even grimmer as he looks off into the distance.) Jamaica.
LOVE-IT: (Stares at TEENEY BOB’s pose.) Do you do that every time you say, “Jamaica”? (Moment of recognition.) Hold on, then. Don’t I know you?
TEENEY BOB: I don’t think so.
LOVE-IT: You’re Bob Barker, ain’t you? Now I recall. Well, after what happened back then, I’d say the Judge was no friend to you at all. Back to even the score, are you? (By this time JOONIE and FI-FI have arrived at the empty table. LOVE-IT notices a possible customer.) Fancy a hotdog, guvner?