Snow White and the Seven Sprites

When some Sprites are brought before the court for littering and disturbing the peace, Prince Snow White competes with Estefat, the evil stepfather, to find out who is the unfairest of them all. Because Snow White is more unfair, Estefat consults the Magic Mirror and concocts a magic potion to get rid of the Prince. But, when the Jester gets mixed up in things, things get mixed up. In a “Freaky Friday” story, Snow White finds out what hard work is really like.

Cast size: 5 Males, 4 Females, 4 M/F, and Extras M/F

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CAST OF CHARACTERS

SNOW WHITE (M) The unfairest of them all and a bit of a flake.

EVIL STEP FATHER (ESTEFAT) (M) The second unfairest of them all—and wants to change that.

MAGIC MIRROR (M/F) Can quickly determine who is the unfairest of them all, also do a detailed personality analysis, and, you know, reflect.

QUEEN (F) Married a little too quickly on the rebound.

JESTER (M) Has the tough job of trying to bring humor into a very dysfunctional family.

FIONA (F) A servant girl who gets paid a pittance, but at least gets paid.

THE SPRITES

DIET (F) A short order cook who tries to make fast-food healthy.

SPITE (M/F) Has anger management issues. He’s in charge of dusting delicate heirlooms.

ARIEL (F) From The Tempest, not The Little Mermaid.  Tired of the mistaken identity.  A servant.

BUBBLE (M/F) Wears big glasses and does not understand personal space.  A washerwoman.

TINKERBELL (M) Delivers messages and trails fairy dust wherever he goes. Cast a large actor for

comic effect.

BIRKENSTOCK (M/F) Makes shoes.  At night.  When nobody is watching.

EUGENE (M) The tooth fairy and union organizer.

EXTRAS (M/F) Guards, Pages, Servants, Members of the Court.

SAMPLE PAGES: 

In this version, Prince Snow White competes to be the unfairest of them all: 

JESTER: (Enters.) Prince White, it is time for the royal court.

WHITE: (Rubs his temples.) Must we be bothered with this? Are there many cases this evening?

JESTER: Only one case.

WHITE:  That’s not so bad.

JESTER:  With seven people.

WHITE:  Seven?  So many?  What are they guilty of?

QUEEN:  You mean accused of, don’t you?

WHITE:  Guilty is faster.

ESTEFAT: Indeed, he is right. (To JESTER.) What is the charge?

JESTER:  Littering. And disturbing the peace.

WHITE:  Oh, all right. Might as well get this over with.  Guards!  Bring in the prisoners.  (GUARDS bring in the SPRITES. He looks closer at them.)  So, what are you?

DIET:  We are sprites!  (Blank look from the COURT.)

WHITE:  Excuse me, but did you say “sprites”?

ARIEL: Indeed she did, Milord. We are household sprites.

DIET:  We do your cooking.

SPITE:  And dusting.

BUBBLE:  And washing.

ARIEL:  And serving.

TINKERBELL:  And heralding.

BIRKENSTOCK:  And shoe-making.

EUGENE:  And tooth pulling and straightening.

QUEEN:  Tooth straightening?

EUGENE:  I’m an orthodontist.

WHITE:  You don’t work here.  I’ve never laid eyes on you before.

DIET:  Oh, you’ve laid eyes on us before.  You’ve just never seen us.

EUGENE: We do the work at the castle, so we are invisible to you.

After introductions, Snow White moves right to their punishment: 

WHITE:  Guards, take the Sprites away.  (To SPRITES.) There will be no increase in pay for you.

ESTEFAT: (Trying to one-up WHITE.) And you shall also pay a fine of 10 shillings.

WHITE: (Trying to one-up ESTEFAT.) And besides cooking and cleaning, you will also have to do . . . cat grooming!

ESTEFAT: (Trying to one-up WHITE.) And on top of cat grooming, you will have to . . . train the Jester!

JESTER:  What? What did I do?

ESTEFAT:   No more pie throwing for you.  This group will help you clean up your act.

JESTER: But that’s—

ESTEFAT: Unfair? (Smiles.) Yes, I know.

(JESTER looks shocked. FIONA & GUARDS exit with SPRITES and JESTER.) 

Later, we learn about the evil stepfather, Estefat: 

ESTEFAT: Magic Mirror in the hall. Who’s the unfairest of them all?

MIRROR: (Looks nervous.) Don’t you ever get tired of that question? I mean, it’s the same answer every time.

ESTEFAT: Is it? At the table earlier this evening, I felt I was being one-upped by Snow White.

MIRROR: Must have been your imagination. I’m sure it was not really—

ESTEFAT: So, I’m asking again: Magic Mirror in the hall, who’s the unfairest of them all?

MIRROR: This question isn’t going to lead to some evil unpleasantness, is it?

ESTEFAT: Aha! I knew it! Something has changed, hasn’t it?

MIRROR: Why, I’m sure I don’t know what you mean.

ESTEFAT: I know you cannot lie, so tell me the truth, Mirror. Who’s the unfairest of them all? Is it the HMO claims adjuster?

MIRROR:  No.

ESTEFAT:  Donald Trump?

MIRROR:  No.

ESTEFAT:  Could it be . . . Snow White?

MIRROR: (Pause.) Oh, all right. It’s Snow White. By a wide margin. I mean, it’s not even close! And he does it with such style.  I mean, the way he threw in that cat grooming —

ESTEFAT: (Glares.) A simple “yes” would do.

MIRROR: (Laughs weakly.) Right.  Well, if that’s all, I’d best get going. (Starts to exit.)

ESTEFAT: I hate to break it to you, but if you left, you would be shattered.

MIRROR:  (MIRROR freezes.) You know that would be seven years of bad luck.

ESTEFAT:  So let’s not risk it.  You need to help me devise a plan to get rid of Snow White . . . forever.

MIRROR:  Why me?

ESTEFAT:  You’re the only evil minion I’ve got.

MIRROR: Rats. I knew I should have taken that gig with Donald Trump.  I could have really helped him with that hairpiece problem of his.

ESTEFAT: Oh, I have an idea. (Whispers in MIRROR’s ear.) 

MIRROR: (Beat.) That could work, but first you need a stooge.  Someone to take the fall.

ESTEFAT:  I believe you would make the perfect stooge.

MIRROR: What?

ESTEFAT: You are already framed.

MIRROR:  I’m a minion, not a stooge.  You need someone incredibly gullible.  Someone who is so dense that he wouldn’t have a clue that he was being manipulated.  (JESTER enters.  ESTEFAT and MIRROR stare at him.) 

ESTEFAT:  Hello, Jester.

JESTER:  Hello, Consort.  (JESTER looks at MIRROR.)  Hello, Consort’s reflection that oddly does not look like him.  (ESTEFAT exits quickly. JESTER pauses as MIRROR smiles.) Excuse me, mirror. (Sprays MIRROR in the face with spritzer bottle and then wipes it.) 

MIRROR:  What are you doing?

JESTER:  Cleaning up my act: I’m supposed to clean everything made of glass.

MIRROR: I thought Spite Sprite did that.

JESTER: Spite has been assigned to jobs of a less delicate nature.  You know, splitting wood, hewing trees, testing the castle’s fortifications.

MIRROR: Well, that makes more sense. But why are you cleaning glass?  You’re not a sprite.

JESTER: The Consort has a long memory, and Prince White has a short one.

MIRROR:  Excuse me?

JESTER:  Estefat remembered the pie, but White forgot our friendship.

MIRROR: How odd. We were just talking about Snow White—that he seems a bit . . . peaked.

JESTER: He is acting weirder than normal.

MIRROR: And he looks gaunt, don’t you think? He makes me feel like a funhouse mirror.

JESTER:  I don’t get that.

ESTEFAT:  (Returns with goblet.) I don’t get that, either.

MIRROR:  Really?  You know how when you look at a funhouse mirror, your body looks long and stretched and –

ESTEFAT: That’s very interesting, but back to the matter at hand. I fixed a light concoction for Snow White to get him back to his old self. (Hands goblet to JESTER.) 

JESTER: (Smells the liquid and grimaces.) That smells like ammonia.

ESTEFAT: That’s the smell of healthiness.

JESTER: Why is it bubbling?

MIRROR: Carbonation helps calm the stomach.

JESTER: And why is it turning the metal green?

MIRROR: Mint-flavored.

ESTEFAT: Now, go. Take that to Snow White and be sure he drinks it quickly. He’ll be right as rain in no time.

JESTER: Then I will make sure he drinks every drop. (Exits quickly.)

 Later, the deed is done: 

JESTER: (Re-enters with goblet, grimacing.) Healthiness smells really bad. What did he put in this? Saint John’s Wart?

FIONA: (Enters opposite side.) Jester, what are you doing? (As she gets closer.) And what is that smell?

JESTER: It’s this. (Holds out goblet.) 

FIONA: (Steps back in disgust.) Why are you drinking from the moat?

JESTER: I’m not. This is for Snow.

FIONA: Why is he drinking from the moat?

JESTER: Would you forget the moat? This is a concoction that Estefat made so that Snow would feel better.

FIONA: Is he sick?

JESTER: He has been more of a twit than usual lately.

FIONA: Well, if he drinks that he’ll be twit-ching.

JESTER:  Shouldn’t that be my line? (Beat.) Anyway, I told Estefat that I’d get him to drink it.

WHITE: (Entering.) Drink what?

JESTER: This. (Hands goblet to WHITE.) The Consort is worried that you aren’t well, so he made this up for you.

WHITE: (Grimaces.) That smells terrible.

FIONA: Are you sure it’s safe? Someone else should try it first.

WHITE: Great idea. Here, Jester. (Hands JESTER the goblet.) 

JESTER: What? Why me?

WHITE: Because I can trust my oldest friend.

JESTER: (Glares at FIONA.) Great idea. (Pinches his nose and takes a sip. He makes a series of gagging sounds and coughing.) 

FIONA: Well, is it okay?

JESTER: I definitely don’t taste the mint. (Beat.) The Consort said to drink it quickly.

WHITE: I think he’s trying to kill me.  (Pauses and watches JESTER.)

FIONA: What are you waiting for?

WHITE:  To see if Jester starts acting strange.

FIONA:  You mean stranger?  (FIONA and WHITE stare at JESTER.)

JESTER:  You think that was poison?

WHITE:  That depends.  How do you feel?

JESTER:  A little light-headed.  (Beat.) What a rush.  I feel like I’m looking down at my own body.

WHITE:  Really! Sounds like fun.  Let me try that.  

FIONA:  I don’t think that’s a good—

WHITE: (Takes goblet, drinks, and grimaces.) What an awful aftertaste.

JESTER:  Right.  (They both stumble and lean on each other to stay standing.) 

JESTER/WHITE:  Whoa.

(From here, WHITE takes on the mannerisms and voice patterns of JESTER and vice versa, as if they’ve switched bodies. Think “Freaky Friday.”)

JESTER:  I feel strangely . . .

WHITE:  Clean.

JESTER:  I was about to say dirty.  And I smell like . . .

WHITE:  Lilacs.

JESTER:  I was about to say a barn.  And my voice sounds like . . .

WHITE:  Like . . .  (WHITE and JESTER look at each other for the first time.)

WHITE/JESTER:  Yours.  Hey!  You look like me! 

FIONA:  Oh, this is not good.  (Lights down.  ALL exit.) 

Later, Snow White (in Jester’s body) gets a taste of life as a servant: 

(Enter SPRITES and JESTER carrying cleaning supplies; they are guarded by GUARDS. SPRITES start cleaning the room, except for JESTER. ARIEL & EUGENE begin to clear dishes from tables that are close to the stage.)

ARIEL: (Angrily.) Work for a slice of bread? (Takes a plate from nearby table.) He doesn’t know what it’s like cleaning up after the nobles.

EUGENE: Yeah, like Lord Gnawbones over here (Points to audience member). Yeah, I’m talking to you.  Think it’s great fun to leave your chicken bones under the table, do you? Didn’t you notice there are no dogs in the hall?

BUBBLE:  But chicken bones are bad for dogs.

DIET:  But they’re great for soup stock.  (ALL look at DIET.)  The chicken bones, not the dogs.

ARIEL: And how about Lady Whoopiecushion over here (Points to audience member). She just loves to leave the salt shaker lid loosened so that the next person spills salt all over the place. (Looks to another audience member at the table.) I see you fell for it.

BUBBLE: (Looks out from stage and points to audience member.) Lord Catapult is here, too.  It wasn’t so bad when he just launched peas with his fork. But tortellini?  You have no idea how much time it took to clean up the tomato sauce.  It looked like the Battle of Hastings in here.  (All SPRITES stop and glare at audience member.) 

DIET: (Hands cleaning rag to JESTER.) Get busy, Jester. I want to get this done so we can get out of here.

JESTER: (Holds cleaning rag uncertainly.) Uh, what do I do with this?

EUGENE: Are you that helpless? What’s wrong with you? Find something dirty and wipe it.

JESTER: Wipe it?  The very idea.

TINKERBELL: Then start clearing dishes.

JESTER: Don’t you have a job that takes better advantage of my interpersonal communication skills?

BUBBLE:  (Gets close to JESTER.)  What did you say?

JESTER:  I’m a people person.  Now get away from me.  You smell of lye and unlaundered undergarments.

SPITE:  If you don’t get started clearing dishes, we’ll take care of your people skills, all right.