Kissing the Blarney Stone

The Jester’s jokes are just not that funny.  He has writer’s block and is afraid of losing his job if he doesn’t come up with better jokes.  The Town Crier suggests that the Jester go kiss the Blarney Stone and get the gift of gab.  Meanwhile in this madrigal dinner, others in the castle have also suffered due to their lack of eloquence: an advertising executive whose jingles need help, a politician whose campaign slogans need help, and a lover whose pick-up lines need a lot of help.  All decide to travel to the Blarney Stone to get the gift of gab.  Miss Allison, Town Crier’s former (and not favorite) speech teacher, is also at the castle, and in an effort to keep her job, Allison tries to sabotage things for everyone else throughout the course of the madrigal script, which results in a mess. For a play on words, this comedy rocks.

Cast size:  3 Male, 3 Female, 3 M/F, Extras

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SAMPLE PAGES:

Town Crier and Jester hatch a new plan after they’ve been forced to work with Miss Allison, who forces them to use very mechanical gestures with their speaking.

JESTER:  (Sighs.)  I just wanted the King to like my jokes again.

TOWN CRIER:  Again?  (Pauses.)  Did I say that out loud?  (Smiles weakly.)  Jester, I think I have an idea.  Have you ever heard of the Blarney Stone?

JESTER:   Blarney?  You mean PBS?  Purple dinosaur?

TOWN CRIER:  No.  Blarney Stone, the stone of eloquence.  Whoever kisses the Blarney Stone gets the gift of gab.

JESTER:  Gift of gab?

TOWN CRIER:  Your speech becomes more . . . persuasive.  Your jokes become better.

JESTER:  Oh.  That’s good.  So, I’ve got to kiss this, uh, kidney stone?

TOWN CRIER:  Blarney Stone.  The stone is in a wall of Blarney Castle.

JESTER:  Okaaay.  So at this Blarney Castle, you want me to smooch some masonry?

TOWN CRIER:  Yes.

JESTER:  And the point of doing that is . . .

TOWN CRIER:  You won’t have to work with Miss Allison.

JESTER:  Right.  There’s that.  Just curious, but who came up with the idea that one’s communication skills would improve by planting a wet one on some metamorphic rock?

TOWN CRIER:  Igneous.

JESTER:  It’s ingenious all right, but who came up with it?

TOWN CRIER:  It’s a legend that’s been around for a long time in Ireland.  If you want my advice, I’d try that before indentured servitude with Miss Allison.

JESTER:  All right, I’m convinced.  All I have to do is kiss this Fred Flintstone—

TOWN CRIER:  Blarney Stone.

JESTER: No, that’s Blarney Rubble.  (Thinking aloud.)  It sounds easier than voice lessons.  With the Blarney Rubble, it’s just a quick smoocherino, and I’m done.   I suppose that’s not the case with Miss Allison?

TOWN CRIER:  That’s Blarney Stone.  And trust me, you don’t want even a quick smoocherino with Miss Allison.

JESTER:  Righto.  Thanks for the advice, Town Crier.  Tonight, I’m off to kiss the Rolling Stone. (Exits.)

TOWN CRIER: (Calls after JESTER.)   That’s Blarney Stone!  (BRASS FANFARE.)

(He looks around, stands up straight, counts one-two-three steps, throws out left arm.)

Ready the meal and heat the wassail!
(Throws out right arm.)  Bring forth the meat and finest of ale!
(Takes stance of someone with trumpet.)  Blow the clarion!
(Both arms out.)  Singers appear!
(Puts right fist under chin and supports right elbow with left hand.)
The king and his court are drawing near!