Cinder Ella Phant

The Jester has an interesting way of telling the story of Cinderella. Let’s just say that he embellishes a bit. In his version, Cinder Ella Phant has ginormous ears. Her step-sisters are terribly beautiful and beautifully terrible. Her step-mother is horribly gorgeous and gorgeously horrible. Her fairy Godmother has mob connections, and the woodland animals are on strike. She finds that Prince Charming is a cad, and his brother Prince Frank is a nerd. Will Cinder Ella Phant find true love? Or at least find a pair of shoes that do not cause crippling foot injuries? Does the Jester know where this story is going? An easy-to-produce madrigal script with humorous twists on an old story.

Cast size: 3 Male, 5 Female, 4 M/F, Extras

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JESTER:  As I was saying, Cinderella lived with her very stunning step-family.  Real

STEPMOTHER:  That’s enough.  Be quiet now.

JESTER:  Yes ma’am.

(The three ladies drop their weapons on the floor.)

STEPMOTHER:  Cinderella?  Where is that no-good lay-about?

SNOOTINA:  She’s probably off in the woods again.  Did you know I caught her talking to squirrels the other day?  From now on, let me pick the mushrooms.

JESTER:  Just then, the spectacularly beautiful Cinderella … (CINDERELLA enters, who has very large ears.  SEE PRODUCTION NOTES.)

CINDERELLA:  Just plain Cinderella will do.

JESTER:  What’s up with . . . those ears!  I’ve never seen anything like them.

SNOOTINA:  I have. At the zoo.

STEPMOTHER:  That’s why we call her Cinder Ella Phant.

Later, after they leave for the ball . . .     

JESTER:  And so the cruel stepfamily left Cinder Ella Phant in the cottage in loneliness and despair.

CINDERELLA:  Great! They’re finally gone.

JESTER:  I said, “Loneliness and despair.”

CINDERELLA:  No time for that.  Now it’s my opportunity to call my woodland
friends to the cottage.  They’ll sew me a gown for the ball!

JESTER:  Cinder Ella Phant sings out to her woodland friends with her sweet, beautiful voice.

CINDERELLA:  (Sings to the tune of Barber of Seville.) I need help from my woodland chums –

JESTER:  Sings out with screechy, jarring voice.

CINDERELLA:  (Gives JESTER a dirty look.)

I need help from my woodland chums
Animals, animals
Can you sew without opposing thumbs?
Animals, animals
An …. i …. mals!

(A rock is thrown on stage with a note attached to it.  CINDERELLA picks it up and hands it to the JESTER who opens the note.  PAGE turns it right side up.  JESTER studies it and hands it to PAGE.  Smiles weakly at KING.)  

JESTER:  Thought I’d get some voice variety? 

PAGE:  “We refuse to work in sweatshop conditions.  Until our demands are met,
we refuse to make any more ball gowns or Nike shoes.  We want better working conditions, higher wages, and health benefits.  The rabbits, especially, demand orthodontic care. Signed, Woodland Animals Garment Makers Union.”

CINDERELLA:  Rats.  Those union woodland animal thugs!  I guess I’ll just have to call on my fairy godmother. (Starts singing same tune.)   I need help — (Another rock is thrown on stage with a note attached to it.  CINDERELLA picks it up and hands it to the JESTER, who hands it to PAGE.) 

PAGE: “And stop singing.  You’re butchering Rossini.  And Bugs Bunny.”  (Looks
out into audience.) 
Any opera fans out there who got the Barber of Seville joke, please clap.  (Listens to applause.)  

JESTER:  Any cartoon fans out there who got the Rabbit of Seville joke, please clap.

PAGE:  (Listens  to applause.  To JESTER.)  Yep.  Just as I suspected.  We’re going
to have to aim a little lower.

CINDERELLA:  Well, I’ll have to call my fairy godmother the old fashioned way.  (Points to   PAGE.)  You.  Go page my fairy godmother.

PAGE:  Gotcha. (Goes out into audience.)  Paging Fairy Godmother.  Paging Fairy Godmother.  (Make  sure PAGE is pretty good at improvisation. He can interact with the audience in different ways.  Suggested lines follow.) “I’m sorry.  Wing-tip shoes do not a fairy godmother make.”  “No, you look more like a tooth fairy.”  “No, I didn’t say ‘Fairly good brother.’”  “You, a fairy  godmother?  Well, I’m sure you can wing it.”

(Finally, PAGE goes to the back of the room and approaches FAIRY GODMOTHER.) 

GODMOTHER:  Hello?  I’m the Fairy Godmother.

PAGE:  You’re a fairy godmother?

GODMOTHER:  (Holds baseball bat threateningly.)  Yeah, you got a problem with that?

PAGE:  (Intimidated.)  Oh, no.  No problem at all.  You look very … fairy-godmother … ish.

GODMOTHER:  You better believe it.  What do you want?

PAGE:  That lady on the stage would like to speak to  you.

GODMOTHER:  Sure.  I got nothing better going.  (Starts to move toward the stage.  PAGE coughs and holds out hand.)  What?

PAGE:  A tip?

GODMOTHER:  I got a tip for you.  Don’t wear concrete flippers when you swim
with the fishes.

PAGE:  Uh, good tip.  (Return to stage with GODMOTHER.)  

GODMOTHER:  You paged me?

CINDERELLA: (Eyes GODMOTHER.)  I don’t think so.  I’m waiting for my Fairy Godmother.

GODMOTHER:  You’re looking at her.

CINDERELLA:  You are my Fairy Godmother?

GODMOTHER:  (Holds baseball bat threateningly.)   Why is everyone asking me that?

CINDERELLA:  You are not at all what I expected.  I mean, why are you wearing a suit instead of a fairy wings?

GODMOTHER:  The suit is more fly.

CINDERELLA:  Oh. Why do you have a 357 Magnum instead of fairy dust?

GODMOTHER:  The Magnum is a better way to dust someone.

CINDERELLA:  Oh. Why do you have a baseball bat instead of a magic wand?

GODMOTHER:  The baseball bat makes all my wishes come true.