Captain Who

In this script, the king and his men are off to war, the castle gets invaded by Captain Kidd, a pirate whom no one has heard of, much to Kidd’s frustration.  He has quite a colorful crew: Stacy (who’s a bit sensitive about his name), Bob (who does not appreciate the Jester’s sense of humor), and Briggs (the ship’s cook, though she prefers “nutritionist”).  Through the Queen’s quick thinking and some hidden talents of the noblewomen, the pirates get a few surprises of their own. A word to the wise: don’t underestimate women.  Lightly interactive with several audience members and plenty of female roles.

Cast size: 4-5 Males, 5 Females, Extras M/F

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The castle has been taken over by pirates while the knights are off to war.  The ladies (and Jester) will have to fend for themselves.  This script has some light fun with audience members. 


(When the guests have been seated, a second BRASS FANFARE will signal all entertainers to clear the hall.  Lights up on main stage as BOB enters from side stage dragging the JESTER, who is bound and gagged.)

BOB:  (Looking around.)  Blimey!  I didn’t know we’d have so many freeloaders with us tonight.  (Points out a male audience member.)  You there, landlubber.  You got anything that would interest a pirate?  Rum?  Doubloons?   Booty?

JESTER:  (Still gagged, he tries to speak.)  Mmmmf.  Mmmmf. 

BOB:  (To JESTER.)  Don’t you know it’s not polite to interrupt?

JESTER:  (Still gagged, he tries to speak.)  Mmmmf.  Mmmmf. 

BOB:  Right then.  I’ll be taking off your gag.  Do you promise me you won’t make any more puns?  (JESTER looks at audience, then to BOB and nods. Takes off the gag.) Now, what are you trying to say?

JESTER:  That your actions make me gag.

BOB:  (Expresses frustration.)  I warned you about puns.

JESTER:  I couldn’t help myself.  Watching the way you were treating (Points to audience member.) Lord Grantham over there.  What’s with you?  Were you raised by a pack of lawless, ruthless, unrefined cut-throats?  (Pause.)  Oh, right.  You’re a pirate. Never mind.

BOB:  Don’t ye be talking about me mum and me dad that way.  They are NOT unrefined.  Besides, I know how to treat a guest.  Me mum sent me to finishing school.

JESTER: You went to finishing school?

BOB: Yes, when I grab me foe, (Draws sword.)  I knows how to finish ‘im.

JESTER: (Looks worried.) I see.

BOB:  So if (Points to audience member.) Lord Grantham over there doesn’t like my general welcome, I can make my welcome more . . . personal.  (To JESTER.) Hear that, Mr. Booty Man?  (Beat. Aside.)  So, who are all these people, anyway?

JESTER:  They are guests for the banquet tonight.

BOB:  What banquet?  Are ye serving meat?

JESTER:  Well, yes.

BOB:  Then we accept your invitation.  (To the back of the hall.)  Bring out the grub!

JESTER:  Look, it’s obvious that you are a . . .  people person, but that’s not the proper way to get a banquet started.

BOB:  Oh, well excuse me!  Not good enough for you and Lord Grantham over there?

JESTER:  It’s just that I’ve served in the castle for sixteen years, and I have a sense of how things are run.  (Stares at BOB.)  May I?

BOB:  Be my guest.  (Unties JESTER.)  But no funny stuff. 

Wes hale, to our good company!
We welcome you most heartily!
We bid thee eat; we bid thee drink.
And fill your goblets to the brink! (Beat. Looks askance at BOB.)
Now, if you sense some rotten kelp,
This man’s a pirate! (Tilts head to BOB.)  Help, help, help!

BOB:  (Shaking his head.)  I knew you couldn’t resist a joke.

JESTER:  Help!  Help!  Help!

BOB:  (Slaps JESTER on the back.) Louder!  Call out to your king!  Call out to your noble knights!  (JESTER looks oddly at BOB.)  What’s the matter, matey?  Cat got your tongue?  Or have you just remembered that your king, your knights, and all of your fighting men are off to war, leaving this castle mostly empty of men?

JESTER:  You knew that?

BOB:  Oh, yes.  So, louder, matey.  Call for your king!  (BRASS FANFARE.)  Blimey, what was that?

JESTER:  The banquet is beginning.  The queen has arrived.  (Looks to the back of the hall.)  But, uh, I don’t see her.

BOB:  (Laughs.) Oh, you will.


(BRASS FANFARE. SINGERS enter at the back of the hall.) 

KIDD: (From off-stage.) Well, what are you waiting for?  Sing!

(SINGERS sing one or two selections determined by the choral director.  After these selections, BRIGGS & STACY escort QUEEN, LADY ABBY, LADY LIBBY, & FIONA as hostages.  CAPTAIN KIDD leads ALL as they process to the head table. COURT & SINGERS take their places at the front.)  

KIDD:  Ahoy there, good company!  I be the scourge of the seven seas. The
plague among pirates. The great, the terrible Captain Kidd!

JESTER: Captain who?

KIDD: Captain Kidd! The Scourge of the seas. (JESTER looks blank.) The ruthless raider of the world? (JESTER looks blank.) Surely you’ve heard of me.

JESTER:  Mmm, nope.  Can’t say that I have.

KIDD: Really?  I sunk the Titanic.

QUEEN:  That was an iceberg.

KIDD:  Then it was the Lusitania.

QUEEN:  That was a torpedo.

KIDD:  The Edmund Fitzgerald?

JESTER:  That was a bad song.  (To audience member.)  Lord Grantham, have you ever heard of him?  (Improvise with answer. Back to KIDD.)   

QUEEN:  Well, Lord Grantham hasn’t heard of you, and he spends a lot of time on Facebook.

JESTER:  We’re talking A LOT of time on Facebook.

QUEEN:  If he hasn’t heard of you, then no one—

KIDD: Okay fine! So, I’m not famous yet.  At least I’m taller than Blackbeard.

LIBBY:  Oooh, I’ve heard of him!  They say he’s more charming than a four leaf clover!


KIDD: ARRGG! Enough!  You be prisoners of Captain Kidd!  We have taken this castle, and I’m in charge. Now, everyone have a seat! (ALL sit down at the table. KIDD looks at pirates.) Not you, fish heads. Get up! 

PIRATES: (ALL stand.) Aye, Aye Captain! 

KIDD:  (Looks to JESTER.) And who might this be?

BOB:  This be the court fool.

JESTER:  I prefer Jester.

BOB:  He’s been telling me how the banquet works.  They’re serving meat!

KIDD:  How about some grog?

JESTER:  Well, as it so happens, we were just getting ready for the toast.

KIDD:  Toast? Did I say I wanted bread?

JESTER:  Well, the toast is not—  (BRASS FANFARE.)


BOB:  Why do they keep doing that?

QUEEN: That is the fanfare. It signals the start of the toast.

KIDD: All right, then. (Calls out to back of hall.)  Make sure me toast is well-buttered.

JESTER:  (Rubs his temples.) Let’s try this again.  The toast is a salutation.  (Beat.)  Tribute?  (Beat.)  Nice things you say in a loud voice?  (Beat.) With your permission?

KIDD:  Proceed.

Bring hither wassail, in mulberry bowls,
With cardamom, cinnamon, ginger, and cloves—

KIDD: What is that nonsense? Cinnamon, ginger apples?  What we be drinking, herbal shampoo?

JESTER:  Oh, never mind.  (Speaks to back of hall.)  Just bring in the wassail! 

(PAGES enter with bowls of wassail to the head table.  Other PAGES follow with pitchers of wassail.  They gather in front of the Royal Table and sing Gloucestershire Wassail.) 

STACY:  (To SINGERS.) That was wonderful!  I haven’t heard singing like that since I was in boarding school.

JESTER:  You went to boarding school?

KIDD:  Aye.  They taught us boarding – other ships.

JESTER:  How . . . refined.

STACY:  (To JESTER.) Pipe down, you.  I want to hear more singing. 

(SERVANTS place the bowls on the Royal Table, bow and exit.  The SERVANTS distribute wassail to the guests.  SINGERS sing more verses of Gloucestershire Wassail.)

KIDD:  (Takes a big drink from his mug and wipes his mouth on his sleeve.)  Aahh. Now that’s what I call some good ale.

QUEEN:  Aren’t you forgetting something?

KIDD:  Not that I can think of.

QUEEN:  We have guests tonight.

JESTER:  More like fellow prisoners.

QUEEN:  We normally have a toast before we start drinking.

KIDD:  (Looks out into audience and picks out someone to have fun with.)  Hey, Blue Bart!  Did you hear that?  You aren’t supposed to be drinking yet.  Why don’t you stand and give us a toast?  Go on, stand up, ya picaroon!  (Encourage the audience member to stand.) 

STACY:  Captain, Blue Bart is very shy.  He hardly talks to anyone on the ship.

KIDD:  Jester, ye seem to have plenty to say.  Go help the knave.

JESTER:  (Stands with audience member and has him raise his mug.)  Just repeat after me.

(To audience member.) Good guests here, who honor us most (Waits for repeat.)
(To audience member.) Raise your cups for the wassail toast! (Waits for repeat.)
(To audience member.) And though this captain appears to be grim, (Waits for repeat.)
(To audience member.) No one has actually heard of him. (Waits for repeat.) 

KIDD:  (Pauses and glares at audience member.)  Blue Bart, when we get back to the ship, you’ll be spendin’ some time in the brig.  Let’s see how funny ye be then.