Bob Bados, a Pirate Tale

Once every 10 years, the Queen’s brother is allowed to visit. The problem is that he’s a pirate and, therefore, can’t be trusted. In fact, Jester and some of the kitchen maids discover that there are other pirates in the castle—looking for the treasure room. Hoping to save the Queen’s reputation, they plot together with the head cook to take them out quietly. Mixed up identities, audience banter, and a surprise ending make this script very fun to perform. And who doesn’t love pirates?

(This script is a revision of our previous script Captain Who. In fact, it’s a whole new story line. 80% revised/90% improved.)

Cast size: 4 Males, 6 Females, Extra courtiers M/F

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CAST OF CHARACTERS 

JESTER (M) Funny man of the court, though he doesn’t always know when to quit. 

KING (M) Lord of the castle who doesn’t enjoy family reunions all that much.

 QUEEN (F) Lady of the castle whose only brother is a pirate. 

CAPTAIN BOB (M) A pirate you’ve never heard of, even though he’s related to the Queen. 

STACY (M) A big, mean pirate, but he’s sensitive about his name. 

BEA BONNY (F) a pirate one escudo short of a doubloon. (In other words, she’s not that smart. Oh, look it up.) 

CALICO CADY (F) a pirate who wears a hook on her left hand, also one escudo short . . .

LIBBY (F) a servant girl with a bizarre and varied employment history. 

ABBY (F) a servant girl who gets unnerved easily.

FIONA (F) The head cook of the castle, and she takes her work very seriously. 

SAMPLE PAGES:  

FANFARE AND WELCOME 

(When the guests have been seated, a second BRASS FANFARE will signal all entertainers to clear the hall.  Lights up on main stage as BOB enters side-stage dragging the JESTER, who is bound and gagged.)

BOB:  (Looking around.)  Blimey!  I didn’t know we’d have so many freeloaders with us tonight.  (Points out a male audience member, later known as Lord Nibley.)  You there, landlubber.  You got anything that would interest a pirate?  Rum?  Doubloons? Booty?

JESTER:  (Still gagged, he tries to speak.)  Mmmmf.  Mmmmf. 

BOB:  (To JESTER.)  Don’t you know it’s not polite to interrupt?

JESTER:  (Still gagged, he tries to speak.)  Mmmmf.  Mmmmf. 

BOB:  Right then.  I’ll be taking off your gag.  Do you promise me you won’t make any more puns?  (JESTER looks at audience, then to BOB and nods. Takes off the gag.) Now, what are you trying to say?

JESTER:  That your actions make me gag.  (Laughs toward audience.)

BOB:  (Expresses frustration.)  I warned you about puns.

JESTER:  I couldn’t help myself.  Watching the way you were treating (Points to same audience member.) Lord Nibley over there.  What’s with you?  Were you raised by a pack of lawless, ruthless, unrefined cut-throats?  (Pause.)  Oh, right.  You’re a pirate.

BOB:  Don’t you be talking about me mum and me dad that way.  They are NOT unrefined.  Besides, I know how to treat a guest.  Me mum sent me to finishing school.

JESTER: You went to finishing school?

BOB: Yes, when I grab me foe, (Draws sword.)  I knows how to finish ‘im.

JESTER: (Looks worried.) I see.

BOB:  So if (To same audience member.) Lord Nibley over there doesn’t like my general welcome, I can make my welcome more . . . personal.  (To JESTER.) Hear that, ya scallywag? (Beat. Aside.)  So, who are all these people, anyway?

JESTER:  They are guests for the banquet tonight.

BOB:  The King is having a banquet?  Is he serving meat?

JESTER:  Well, yes.

BOB:  Then we accept his invitation.

JESTER: We?

BOB:  (To the back of the hall.)  Bring out the grub!

JESTER:  Look, it’s obvious that you are a . . .  people person, but that’s not the proper way to get a banquet started.

BOB:  Oh, well excuse me!  Not good enough for you and Lord Nibley over there?

JESTER:  It’s just that I’ve served in the castle for five years now, and I know how things are done.  (Stares at BOB.)  May I?

BOB:  Be me guest.  (Unties JESTER.)  But no funny stuff. 

JESTER:

Wes hale, t­­­­­o our good company!
We welcome you most heartily!
We bid thee eat; we bid thee drink.
And fill your goblets to the brink! (Beat. Looks askance at BOB.)
Now, if you sense some rotten kelp,
This man’s a pirate! (Runs around.)  Help, help, help!

BOB:  (Shaking his head.)  I knew you couldn’t resist a joke.

JESTER:  Help!  Help!  Help!

BOB:  (Grabs JESTER by the shirt and pulls him back.) Louder!  Call out to the King!

JESTER: (Calling out.) Your majesty, we’ve—

BOB: Call out to my brother-in-law.

JESTER:  We’ve been invaded! We’ve—what? (Beat.) Did you just say . . . brother-in-law?

BOB: Aye. Surprised?

JESTER: Shocked, stunned, and blind-sided might be more accurate. I’m . . . speechless.

BOB: Finally! So, where is Shrimpy anyway?

JESTER: Who?

BOB: Shrimpy. The King.

JESTER: You mean his majesty? You’d dare to call him Shrimpy? I’m . . . speechless.

BOB: Twice in the same year? I’m on a roll!

JESTER: So, let me get this straight. Your sister is the Queen?

BOB: Aye.

JESTER: And did Shrimpy—I mean, the King—know you were coming tonight?

BOB: I like to surprise ‘im.

JESTER: Shocked, stunned, and blind-sided might be more accurate.

BOB: Not exactly. I’m allowed to visit me sister once every 10 years. So, here I be.

JESTER: I see. (BRASS FANFARE.) Ah, the King and Queen are arriving.

BOB: (Takes JESTER by the shirt and starts to exit.) Then come with me. As I said, I like to surprise ‘em.

JESTER: If I don’t announce the King, he’ll know something’s up.

BOB: Then get to it.

JESTER: (To the back of the hall.)
Ready the meat and heat the wassail!
Bring for the meat and finest of ale!
Blow the clarion; singers appear!
The King and his court are drawing (BOB drags him off.) near!

The Courtiers toast . . .

COURTIER 3: To all our good guests who have entered our hall,
We bid thee welcome to one and all!

COURTIER 4: Let’s drink now and say loud, with much joy and cheer,
And pray we have apples for wassail next year!

BOB: (Enters, followed by JESTER.) What is that nonsense? Cinnamon, ginger apples?  What we be drinking, herbal shampoo?  (ROYAL COURT is stunned.) 

QUEEN: (Slow recognition). Bob?

JESTER:  (Looking at BOB.)  Bob?  Your name is Bob?

BOB: Me name be Bob Bados.

JESTER: Bob Bados?  (Laughs.)  Why, that’s impossible, Bob.

BOB: Why’s that?

JESTER: Because no man is an island. (Laughs overly at his own joke.)

BOB:  (Draws sword, steps quickly toward JESTER, and grabs him by the shirt.) I’ve had about enough of your jokes!

QUEEN: Bob, stop! Our Jester is under the protection of the King! You are allowed to visit, but you can’t act like a pirate while you are here.

BOB: (Roughly lets the JESTER go.) Must have slipped me mind. (Sheaths sword and looks around.) I didn’t know you were having a banquet tonight.

QUEEN: Yes, that. Well, perhaps you can dine with us tomorrow night then.

BOB: Is that any way to treat your brother? (COURT looks shocked.) Am I right, Shrimpy? (COURT looks to one another asking, “Who’s Shrimpy?”) Right. I forgot: “your majesty.” (COURT continues to look shocked.) 

KING: (To QUEEN.) Has it been 10 years already? (Sighs, to BOB. Reluctantly.) Fine. Why don’t you . . . join us, Bob?

BOB: Actually, it’s Captain Bob now. Surely you’ve heard of me. The Scourge of the Seven Seas? (Confused look from COURT.)

JESTER: Captain Bob?

BOB: (To JESTER.) You haven’t heard of me?

JESTER:  Mmm, nope.  Can’t say that I have.

BOB: Really?  I sunk the Titanic.

QUEEN:  That was an iceberg.

BOB:  Then it was the Lusitania.

KING:  That was a torpedo.

BOB:  The Edmund Fitzgerald?

JESTER:  That was a really sad song.  (To audience member.)  Lord Nibley, have you ever heard of him?  (Back to BOB.)  Lord Nibley hasn’t heard of you. And he spends a lot of time on Facebook. 

BOB: (Sighs, frustrated.) Well, you’ll know my reputation soon enough. (Beat.) Allow us to give the toast.

KING/QUEEN: Us?

BOB:  I brought some friends along. (Looks out into audience and picks out someone to have fun with.)  Hey, Blue Bart!  Ye aren’t supposed to be drinking yet.  Why don’t ye stand and give a toast?  (To KING.) Blue Bart is very shy.  Jester, ye seem to have plenty to say.  Go help the knave.

JESTER: (Looks to QUEEN who nods assent. JESTER goes to audience member, has him stand and raise his mug.) Let me help you out. (JESTER whispers each line and prompts guest to say it.)

Good guests here, who honor us most,
Raise your cups for the wassail toast!
And though this Captain appears to be grim,
No one has actually heard of him. (JESTER laughs overly at his joke.) 

BOB: (Glares at audience member.)  Blue Bart, when we get back to the ship, ye’ll be spendin’ some time in the brig.  Let’s see how funny ye be then. Take a seat. (JESTER exits. BOB takes a mug from closest COURTIER and holds it up.)  Yo, ho, ho! Here be a toast!

Uh, over the gums and down the hatch!
This ale they’re servin’ cannot be matched!  Drink up! (Drinks.) I’m starved! Let’s eat.

(Encourages the COURTIER next to the QUEEN to move; he sits next to QUEEN.) 

After the main course has been served . . .

BOB: Shrimpy, that is the best boar I’ve ever eaten!

KING: That’s “your majesty,” to you.

QUEEN: You know he hates it when you call him that. Why must you provoke him, Bob?

BOB: It’s just what black sheep do.

QUEEN: You know the rules.  You are to keep your black sheepery to a minimum.

KING: And that includes piratey behavior.  If you so much as say “booty,” let alone shake it, you are out of here.

QUEEN: Give him a chance, dear.  I haven’t seen him in 10 years.

BOB: That’s right. I’ve missed me baby sister!

KING: (Glares.) Indeed. (Looks around.) Say, where is our Jester? We could use some levity around here.

BOB: You choose to keep that scoundrel around? His jokes be terrible!

QUEEN: He came highly-recommended by Lord Nibley.

BOB: Lord Nibley again?  I wager he wouldn’t recognize a good joke if it knock-knocked him on his keister. (Laughing, to Lord Nibley.) What’s with you, Lord Nibley? Is your sense of humor lost at sea?

KING: And you are a pirate.  You probably steal your jokes from Laffy-Taffy.

JESTER: (Rushing in.) Sorry I’m late, your majesty! I was . . . tied up! (Beat.) Oh, Bob, you’re still here.

BOB: That’s Captain Bob to you.

JESTER: Oh, that’s right: the Scourge of the Seven Wonders. Yet, we wonders why no one has heard of him. . . .